Previous Critiques
Example Of Developmental Critique
There are a number of grammatical choices you have employed that don’t exactly work, mostly concerning ellipses, commas, and em dashes. You have a tendency to overuse ellipses and use em dashes whereas starting a new sentence would read better, and there are places where there should be commas, especially to help keep the flow of your narration. You also use em dashes where commas should be used.
You switch perspectives on the second page, which is very confusing. If you want to switch perspective, you should do so in a way that your reader knows what to expect, such as in a different chapter dedicated to the alternate perspective, or in the terms of a short story, by some sort of break like you do later in the story when they address Eliza’s absence.
I’m having a hard time understanding the world you’ve created. It seems like Eliza is a modern-day woman working in a city, but then you refer to people as servants rather than employees. If you mean this sarcastically, it is not presented as such and makes understanding the setting difficult. I also did not understand where Eliza worked and what kind of work she did, which seemed important enough to note as the majority of the story revolves around her disliking her job.
There seems to be a lot of extraneous action that could be either utilized better or eliminated, such as Eliza going back and forth between the basement and the office. Adding details to your story is important, but I do not understand the point of her actions and it does not drive any part of the plot.
I was also lost towards the end. I understand that Eliza picked a different life, but couldn’t she have simply quit her job and found one at a bakery? Why did she need a Cheshire cat’s help? What is the purpose and meaning of using Alice in Wonderland motifs? It matches the tone of your story but does not do a whole lot for it. What I am saying is that if you wish to utilize this, you should integrate it more meaningfully, as it seems like an aside that vaguely hints at something bigger.
Example 2
I think my biggest critique on your piece isn’t so much your storytelling ability, which seems promising, but the world-building. Having complex plots with many elements is great, but I feel after reading your synopsis that there are too many elements being utilized in your world. Here is what I see:
Interplanetary politics and conflicts that bring a sci-fi/fantasy feel
Hallie’s earthly conflict with her own supernatural powers and her interactions with other humans bring a coming-of-age/urban fantasy sort of feel
A man who wants to imprison her for small-minded needs of avoiding his own death
Language barrier conflicts
Romance
Hallie abandons her old life for that of a recluse on an island
Zeth and his issues with his own burgeoning powers, being stranded on an unknown planet, his conflict with his political leaders/compatriots
A nautical theme
These are a lot of pieces that seem almost too much for any one story. I think you should consider what your main conflict is that you are going to address. Is it Hallie’s control over her powers and a man who wants to use them? Will the story focus on her powers? Or will it focus on her relationship with Zeth and his alien conflicts? He is an alien who was a war hero, who has unstable powers and can kill people with his mind. Hallie is a contemporary woman who can see death in people’s eyes. Zeth’s concerns include political figures and wars, whereas Hallie’s concerns are herself and a villain who wants to avoid death. Please consider honing in on what this story is really about, and building your world around that.
I really dig the sea theme combined with the space theme. Connecting Earth and another planet via ocean is a wonderful idea, and very unique to my eyes, but I think this detail combined with the many other themes in this story overcomplicates your plot.
As far as your writing goes, you have a tendency to overuse ellipses. There are some actions that move too quickly and with too little detail. You’ve created a very complex world and I feel there are some details missing that could better cement my belief in it. You use much of Zeth and Branthos’ dialogue to explain to your reader how this world works, but it does not come across as organic. It might be better to consider using their dialogue to characterize their relationship with one another and simply utilize description to allude to this world’s characteristics.
Example of Developmental Edit (rather than just a summarized critique)
Original:
Still in shock, I locked the ointments inside the stand at dusk, and headed straight to Summer’s. I knew Mother would never let me out if I went home first. I paused to relish the last flavor of the market before walking away. The hour was late, and most merchants had already left. The smell of fresh vegetables and fruits still garnished the air, spiced with the fragrances of resin glue and cheap moonshine. The squirrels chased each other over the damp tar, collecting crumbs and spoiled chunks of food that the merchants had tossed away. The promise of rain was fulfilled at last, and I tossed the hood over my head to keep dry, before the drops soaked in my braid.
Edited Version:
The smell of fresh vegetables and fruits saturated the air, spiced with the fragrances of resin glue and cheap moonshine. The squirrels chased each other over the damp tar of the earth, collecting crumbs and spoiled chunks of food that the merchants had tossed away. Still in shock, I locked the ointments inside the stand. I wanted to head straight to Summer’s home; I knew Mother would never let me out if I went home first. The promise of rain was fulfilled at last, and I tossed the hood over my head to keep dry, before the drops soaked in my braid. The hour was late, and most merchants had already left. I paused to relish the last flavor of the market before walking down the path that led to the Mounds.
Editing Episodes on Unresolved Textual Tension
Editing of The Savior’s Champion by Jenna Moreci
Editing of Personal Writing